All men are idiots?

All men are idiots,
and I married their King.

Need coffee. Now!!

Need coffee. Now!!

Coffee together?

Can we have
a cup of coffee
together?

You are NOT fat.

You are not fat, you are just easier to see!

TAKE A BREAK!

TAKE A BREAK!

I need friday NOW!

I need friday NOW!

Share if you love your parents

Share
this shit
if you
love
your
parents!

The egg and the water

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard,
I just got laid by a chick.

How to stop wars? Here is the solution!

How to stop wars? Love is the solution....

/Shut up in the library

Wrong finger and wrong woman

A: Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?

B: Yes I am, I married
the wrong woman.

Do you love me?

You don´t wanna know...

/Shut up in the library

Poor man...

Wife: "How would you describe me?" 
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 
Wife: "What does that mean?" 
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Relations...

Relations and ears on a rabbit...

/Shut up in the library

I need a diet....

I took a picture of you last christmas and it´s still printing...

/Shut up in the library

The fat cow...

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A bear with no socks

What is a bear without socks?

Bare-foot...

/Shut up in the library

The crazy people way...

-Which is the way chosen
by crazy people?

-The psycho path!

The doctor´s second opinion

Do you really need doctor´s second opinon when you are sick?

/Shut up in the library

It hurts...

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” 
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” 
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” 
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”

Richard Nixon did not burn the tapes...

"I was under medication when I made
the decision not to burn the tapes."

(President Richard Nixon)

Coffee, a chair or a high five?

Sometimes you need coffee. Or a high five. And a chair...

/Shut up in the library

The princesse is moving again

The swedish princesse Madeleine is moving to another country again.

Read more in the swedish newspaper Aftonbladet and shut up in the library...

The cat in the station wagon

A cat in a station wagon is a carpet (car pet).

/Shut up in the library

Bigger brests with toilet paper

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have
plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do
that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that
make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

To wallpaper a room

-How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
-One, but you have to slice him very thin!

I am always right!

I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

Learn to love yourself!

You need to love yourself to love anyone else!

/Shut up in the library

Learn to fish!

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Animals are made with meat

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Go to circus

Some of us visit the circus, some of us are clowns...

/Shut up in the library

Sweden makes goals in the Ice Hockey World Championship

Don´t miss the Ice Hockey World Championship!

Ice Hockey is the sport to love!


/Shut up in the library

Asked God for a bike

Don´t ask God for a bike, he doesn´t work that way...

/Shut up in the library

Do not argue with an idiot

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to
his level and beat you with
experience.

A happy meeting?

It´s nice to meet some people, but some people is more nice to NOT see...

/Shut up in the library

Don´t miss the Ice Hockey World Championship

Don´t miss the Ice Hockey World Championship!

Ice Hockey is the sport to love!

/Shut up in the library

A broken car is not a Volvo

Buy a good car, buy a Volvo!

/Shut up in the library

Monday mornings

What about monday mornings? Waking up early or sleep more?

/Shut up in the library

To be or not to be a king

To be king - or just a little bit of fur in a shoe...

/Shut up in the library

Cats or dogs?

Pets in all honor, but to you want a cat or a dog? That´s the questtion!

/Shut up in the library

Who found america?

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it. 


Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? 


Class: Maria did. 

The longest word in english

-What is the longest word in the
English language?
-”Smiles”...
-How can it be?!
-There is a mile between the
first and last letters!"

The birthday present

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

The second opinion

The doctor: "You are very sick"
The patient: "Can I get a second opinion?"
The doctor: "Yes, you are very ugly too".

The Problem with Speaking English

The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

If she get into a man´s pocket, what is she?

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."