It hurts...

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” 
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” 
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” 
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”

Bigger brests with toilet paper

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have
plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do
that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that
make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

The second opinion

The doctor: "You are very sick"
The patient: "Can I get a second opinion?"
The doctor: "Yes, you are very ugly too".